GEOLOGY NOTES: THE MUSICAL
Music and Lyrics by Tim Rice and Elton John
SCENE: Geology class. Students listen to teacher.
Characters: Katie, Kristina, Maddie, Caleb, Travis, Christian, Zach, Doc Brown, Andrew
Doc Brown: enters stage, begins talking about an earthquake.
"And in this zone, aslkdfa;j bla bla bla”
Katie: “The red zone is for loading and unloading. There is no stopping in the white zone.”
Kristina: “No, that’s the red zone.”
Katie: “You just want me to get an abortion.”
Kristina: “No, I want you to stop quoting Airplane every day of your life.”
Katie and Kristina begin song about Airplane
Maddie: “Seriously guys. What the fuck?”
Katie: “Fine, I’m leaving.”
Kristina: “Good luck, we’re all counting on you.”
END SCENE
Scene 2
All characters on stage
Doc Brown: “We’re having a take-home test at some point.”
Katie: “Oh no! I hope this one isn’t as hard as the open-book, open-note, open-neighbor quiz we had!”
Doc Brown: “There will also be a study session.”
Maddie: “On Julia Roberts movies?”
Katie: “Most likely.”
Suddenly, a wild Piers appears
Piers: “Show of hands: how many of you have seen your parents naked?”
Doc Brown writes on the board: Bonding
Piers: “Oh, I’ve got this lesson.”
Doc: Covalent
Piers writes Covalent on the board as well, drawing lines in between each syllable. “Cov, Latin for a cove or cave. Lent, like the Catholics. So, ‘covalent’ is a place where we can store the Catholics. Also: my girlfriend was six years younger than me.”
END SCENE
Now, for some real notes:
Baking powder: is soft
Ionic bonds: “give up” their electrons. They lose everything in the divorce (because they’re little bitches)
I’m really glad I’m learning about electrons in Geology
Bond in water: kinky
Solid material is bonding: a scientific porno
Van der Waals: opposites attract
Metallic bonds: movement of electrons. The electrons only spend Tuesdays and every other weekend with it
Copper: it was originally Copper Man, but iron was easier to use and sounded better
Is he talking about Benjamin Franklin…?
The Making of Rocks:
From the day we arrive on the planet, and blinking step into the sun…
You see, Maddie, we eat the antelope. The antelope eat the grass, and when we die, we become the grass. I’m sure there are some other steps, but that’s not important right now
Seneca Rocks? I bet I know a better story about Seneca Rocks than Doc Brown does
Well, once upon a time, there was an Indian princess. She wasn’t named Pocahontas, but that’s what we’re going to call her. Princess P was sad because she got dumped, so she stood up on the rocks and then turned into a rock. BAM I just told a Native American story. This stuff is legit.
Pressure: pushing down on me, pushing down on me
Static electricity is the most annoying thing ever
Rubber bands can hurt real bad
Syncline/ anticline: new words for incline and downhill
Chalk is brittle OH DAMN THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING
Body waves: there are too many ways to go with this so I’m just going to leave it here
P-waves: again. Too many options
S-waves: sdfghj
Solid: to show us what ‘solid’ means, you must hit something. It is the only way
Throw a rock into a quiet pond: now it’s a loud pond
Violent waves: I threw a giant rock in a pond; the next day Japan was destroyed
We’re talking about voices again! I want this class my life to have a voiceover by Morgan Freeman. Well, either Morgan Freeman or anyone British
He’s fanning us again. What a peasant
I shouldn’t have to be in this class. Way too many peasants in here
Peasant is the greatest word ever. I think tumblr uses it more than people back in the 13th century did
I want to travel to the center of the earth. I want to visit the mole people. Reconnect with Kristina’s kind
The center of the earth is a ‘strange environment’ WHAT NO I WAS PLANNING ON MOVING THERE AFTER COLLEGE
Surface waves: Love waves and Rayleigh waves
Love waves (oh baby)
Rayleigh wave (not quite as exciting)
And we’re back to pond waves
IT’S CONTAGIOUS IT’S IN THE AIR THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME LEFT
Surprisingly, we’re not talking about tsunamis again WAIT just kidding. We’re talking about tsunamis. And now Japan.
The earth rang like a bell
Young girl saved her dumb parents’ lives
Some guy just got up and left. He’s got the right idea
“You’re gonna get wet.” Best way to describe the effect of a tsunami.
OH BOY if he mentions the dock again, I’m going to get up, walk to the nearest liquor store, and take a shot
Well fuck me. I guess I have to go take a shot.
Is this actually a recording from the other day? Like Doc Brown is just a projection and someone messed up the order of the tapes
Buildings gotta sway
How many of you know where a monkey wrench is in your house?
Back in ancient China, earthquakes killed people. But don't worry, Mulan saved them
Earthquakes aren't fussy. They are no one's bitch
Soil shakes, dust is fluffed up: the powdered sugar topping on top of the cake that is an earthquake disaster
In 1906, people were REALLY DUMB
The four P’s: prepare, predict, prevent (?), and post-quake
First, you prepare your ingredients. Mix together dry ingredients, then add the eggs and oil. Next, predict what the temperature should be. Try to prevent your kitchen from catching on fire. After you bake it, you throw it at a child or elderly person
The lights just went out. Ohgod. I’m afeared.
IS THAT A MAP OF DISNEYLAND
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